Yikes. I've been awful at blogging. So much has happened in this last year. And I struggle with just how much to write about, how much to share. But I still function on the pretense that maybe what I share can help someone else in a similar situation. It's how I felt about talking about my experiences with cancer too. Luke sometimes has some stickiness with transitioning from one home to another. Which is totally normal given the circumstances. We both try hard to alleviate it, but it still hurts to see him hurting. It reminds me of an incident from when he was a baby:
Luke was about 5 or 6 months old. Still in the little bucket. We lived in an upstairs apartment - the second floor of a house. The people who lived downstairs were sketchy - lots of arguing, he didn't let her out of the house, they had 2 kids. She had recently kicked him out. I had gone to dinner with friends and Luke's father was playing baseball one weeknight. I came back to a man screaming and yelling on the front lawn. Upon seeing me, he stopped, smiled, and said, "Hey, it's just me, Gerry". I ran inside (stupid stupid) and locked and barricaded my front door. I contemplated calling the police. I tried calling Luke's father to no avail, placed Luke on the changing table and just cried and kept saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry we live in a place where people act like this. I'm sorry you're seeing this aspect of life. I'm sorry."
And it just seems so applicable to now sometimes. When he's sleeping, I'll snuggle him up and whisper in his ear. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry your life is lived in 2 different homes, I'm sorry that sometimes you're sad from my actions. I'm sorry." I think a big part of parenthood is just being sorry for anything that causes your child hurt. And remembering that incident illustrated that no matter what the situation: both parents together, parents apart, no matter how old, there will be unpleasantries that you as a parent feel so responsible for.
Nowadays I try to turn the negatives (or perceived negatives) into positives: "hey! you have so many more people who love you now!" "Wow! Now you get really special time with Mom and with Dad". But sometimes all I still want to say is: I'm sorry.
